The Leperous Cesspit that is ICICI Bank

Some fine day in December 2006, the stars were aligned wrong and chance made me an employee of a company that only did its banking business through the cesspit of financial shenanigans that is ICICI Bank.

For six years, I managed to keep my stuff out of trouble with ICICI bank - I took a risk averse approach. I didn't take any loans and used my debit card with care. I only used swipe style ATM machines, not the ones which swallow the card.

Then, last Wednesday, June 6, I made the mistake of using an ICICI ATM that swallowed the card. I did this because all the other machines only gave out Rs. 500 and Rs. 1000 notes and I wanted notes of a smaller denomination.

I had started my descent through Dante's circles of hell.

First came the problem of communicating with the bank employees. For some reason, ICICI bank employees are happier communicating in Hindi than English. For me, it's the other way around. Those hurdles somewhat navigated, I managed to understand the details of the arduous process of getting back my card:

First, call customer care and block card.

Then, pray to all the saints that you will get the card back.

I let two days go by. On Saturday, I called up to ask where my card was. After all, for it to travel from Koramangala to MG Road in Bangalore, it would not take more than a day.

I was wrong. The cretin who answered the phone suggested that the card had been misplaced. That's right, folks. In taking out the card, taking it to the branch manager where the ATM was located and then going to MG Road, it would be better to ask:

How the fuck could it NOT be misplaced?

I grew hot and bothered and wrote an angry email.

I was then called up in the middle of the afternoon by a polite ICICIcretin who told me that actually, my card had already been dispatched.

Oh, I said. So why did SaturdaymorningICICIcretin say that it had been misplaced?

SaturdayafternoonICICIcretin suggested it was because SaturdaymorningICICIcretin didn't know his elbow from his arse.

And to prove it had been dispatched, SaturdayafternoonICICIcretin gave me details of courier.

Good, I thought. They might be using a Blue Dart or a DTDC or something along those lines.

Pah! Please. Blue Dart? DTDC? The Khayaal Aapka bank only uses the best of the best because its Privileged Banking customers such as myself should get the BESTEST service.

So what's the renowned courier company's name? Hand to Hand Couriers.

Come again?

Hand to Hand Couriers, located in only one place, namely, Lalbagh.

Getting such stunning reviews on the internet as the following:

Very BAD....my consignment has been returned by them. They didn`t called me ever. When I called him and requested again and again to send my consignment once again, asked to give the delivery person contact no. also to manage.. but all my request has been refused in ONE word."NOT POSSIBLE", no cooperation, nothing, very rude. Don`t know why ICICI bank has chosen such a bad courier service.
Twice experienced the worst service and response to my consignment is that "Address not found" and courier returned to ICICI Bank.

Amazing that this courier couldn`t find my address whereas I have others mail received correctly. like Blazeflash, Dtdc, Bluedart etc
Oh and it's impossible to open this illustrious courier company's website to track your courier because it's been marked as "This site can be harmful to your computer" by Google. Classy, no?

So of course, with my confidence sky-high, I called up ICICI bank again because they were not responding to my emails.

The MondayafternoonICICIcretin first suggested that I wait, then suggested that I wait some more, then claimed he didn't have any information.

At which point I demanded to speak to his supervisor.

MondayafternoonICICIcretinsupervisor had the following to say - after making me wait 10 minutes on the phone:

The courier had not yet been dispatched. This, despite me having a mail from ICICI Bank with the dispatch date (June 8, 2012) and an airway bill number.

Now MondayafternoonICICIcretinsupervisor said that I might get it tomorrow. Or day after. Or when Octomom delivers another set of octuplets.

This is the bank that wins customer service surveys, people.

When this is what the great nation of India has to exhibit in the "Innovative Banking" category, you wonder how we can fail.

I am off to consult a horoscope chart to figure out if I ever will receive this damn card of mine.

And to curse the loins of ICICI Bank. May they be impotent forever.


  1. Hi Saudha,

    We have made a note of your contact details and our official will contact you to address your concern.

    ICICI Bank Customer Service Team

  2. I totally love this post. I definitely think the cretins have a long, dark history of torturing customers. khayal apne aap ka! is their actual motto.

  3. 3rd class bank, dupe soon, many old employees are cursing this bank